I am currently sitting on a gray fold out chair, facing this computer, the antique finished desk it sits on, and a picture of my savior. Playing through the speakers is Rooftops by Lost Prophets. I'm home alone, in Kaysville Utah. I should feel relaxed, happy and, at peace. I have three of my favorite things, my home, my family, and music right at my finger tips and yet my emotions are geared towards anxiety and pushing for hostile take over of the sanity I have managed to keep after being sent home from my mission early. It was, and is nearly impossible for me to describe to anyone how I felt and, feel about my mission and missionary work. It's like trying to describe how incredible music is to some one who has been deaf their whole life, or the beauty of sunsets and nature to the blind.
I dont know how to describe how I feel right now, I suppose lost would be as good a word as any but when your lost you can go any where you want and at least get closer to finding something. I am in a state of limbo, I cant go to school because I'll more then likely be returning to my mission before I could finish the semester, and I dont have a job to occupy the time that was very recently completely devoted (And filled) by missionary work. There are some where around 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion people who feel, shake, cry, laugh and want different things. But all 6 billion need one thing more then anything else. There 6 billion people who don't know who they really are, where they came from or where they are going. There are 6 billion people in the world but they all really only need one, and that's the savior. There are just over 13 million members of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, that have the opportunity to take his message to the 6 billion living in darkness, and yet so few do. I had that opportunity, and I loved every second of it. It changed how I see things, how I feel things, and how I want things in my life to be. After all, our Heavenly Father can make so much more out of our lives then we can.
But enough about where I was, if you read this you probably talk to me, and if you talk to me you have heard more then enough about my mission. My present however is very easy to explain. I came home to a situation that I wasn't expecting and really want anything to do with. My days are filled with the vast intricacies of the nothing that takes place in them, and the changes I constantly try and fail to make take place. Like throwing a cup of a water into the ocean expecting it to flood, sometimes, I feel about as dumb as if that's what I was really doing. I wake up, I read, I go to the gym and then I lay around a listen to music. Thank you Wes Bledsoe for being in scootering proximity of my house, and the mountain dews that keep me trucking, thank you to Brooke Williams for being a silver ligning for a few hours a week, any one who has put up pictures on facebook that they have edited a friend into to embarrass them (you entertain me) and thanks you mp3 rocket for feeding my hungry music addiction. (i know its wrong and normally i buy my music butttttt i cant right now soooo... dont judge me?)
There was more I was going to write in this entry buttt I am to angry, and confused to write anything of worth that would resemble cognitive thought for any one but me, my feelings and thoughts shift as quickly as... ok I was going to say something funny and inappropriate about a certain famous person but I'll be christ like and not.
So that's all for now, I am a prisoner in Kaysville for now (dont get me wrong I actually love K-Town and where I grew up) so feel free to visit or call and if you need suggestions for some good listening music I have found tons lately. Music is the one thing in my life that never lets me down. Music is so much like life, most songs tell a story about true life experiences, they come from beginnings as frenzied as an electric storm or as calm midnight in summer, they progress to heavy over tones, simple melodies, and mind dulling beats, but just like everything experience they end, and you can always relate them to something you have experienced before.
Pray that my time hear is brief, and pray for our brave men and women working in the armed forces, police forces, and missionaries.
Ryan McDonald
