It

So as many of you know I joined the Marines back in October of last year, and since that time I have been waiting to leave for basic training. I have now tried to leave for said training three times and have now been presented with a new opportunity at the place I work that is by far a better option. So, I am withdrawing my commitment to the Marines. Family, and Friends have expressed a lot of resistance to this change despite most of the same people being extremely angry with me when I originally joining. They seem to feel the choice will ruin opportunities to succeed in my life and get to what ever IT is that I am trying to get too.
I cant really say what IT is, if I know what I want IT to be or if I know how to find IT which is not entirely good for a 21 year old. This is very possibly the problem in my life, and why this world is such a freaking screwed up place. I wanna get angry, I wanna shout at the people around me or shout for them, to let me live my life how I feel is best. Push through everything, and come up with nothing, that's what I've been finding a lot of the last three years and that is probably due to a lack of foresight on my part. But I want to be happy, weather it's making average income doing something I love after collage or being... a doctor? I don't know but I do know I do not want to force myself into something just to fulfill some inner obligation to KNOW what IT is. But things are looking up, I have a great job that makes attending school a financially sound thing to do, despite the fact that I am receiving a lot of grief from people about not following through with commitments. But why does everything have to be so black and white? What if I don't want to live my life the way IT is supposed to be. I will always always keep the commitments I make to the people I care about and I feel like everyone should do the same. I will take accountability for my actions, stand up for what I feel is right, and push my self to be the best Me I can be. That said why should my pursuit of IT be dictated by others perceptions of my plan to get IT, why do I feel so anxious and guilty about changing my direction just because it isn't what I told everyone was the plan. Shouldn't I grab onto a better opportunity if IT is given to me? I am tired of feeling like my life is something that others grief over my choices is something that should motivate me into doing things I don't want to do. Not saying I would ever do anything self destructive or selfish to cause others pain but that's just the problem, I am not doing those things. So basically this is me wishing for more freedom, not just to do what I want but for the things I do to be accepted. Some trust that I will get to IT because I know me and I will find a way to do so, and some support in what ever decisions I make to get there. I dont think any one has ever read my blog so I'm mostly writing this to vent feelings of frustration and this probably doesn't make sense to any one but if some ones does read it, I hope if nothing else you can take away the idea that in the end we will look back at the end of our lives and realize despite how other people feel about the choices we made it was those choices that made us who we are. So do what you feel is best for you, in the end, that's what will take you to IT.

When It Get's To Hard To Stand, You Can Kneel

I am currently sitting on a gray fold out chair, facing this computer, the antique finished desk it sits on, and a picture of my savior. Playing through the speakers is Rooftops by Lost Prophets. I'm home alone, in Kaysville Utah. I should feel relaxed, happy and, at peace. I have three of my favorite things, my home, my family, and music right at my finger tips and yet my emotions are geared towards anxiety and pushing for hostile take over of the sanity I have managed to keep after being sent home from my mission early. It was, and is nearly impossible for me to describe to anyone how I felt and, feel about my mission and missionary work. It's like trying to describe how incredible music is to some one who has been deaf their whole life, or the beauty of sunsets and nature to the blind.

I dont know how to describe how I feel right now, I suppose lost would be as good a word as any but when your lost you can go any where you want and at least get closer to finding something. I am in a state of limbo, I cant go to school because I'll more then likely be returning to my mission before I could finish the semester, and I dont have a job to occupy the time that was very recently completely devoted (And filled) by missionary work. There are some where around 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion people who feel, shake, cry, laugh and want different things. But all 6 billion need one thing more then anything else. There 6 billion people who don't know who they really are, where they came from or where they are going. There are 6 billion people in the world but they all really only need one, and that's the savior. There are just over 13 million members of The Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints, that have the opportunity to take his message to the 6 billion living in darkness, and yet so few do. I had that opportunity, and I loved every second of it. It changed how I see things, how I feel things, and how I want things in my life to be. After all, our Heavenly Father can make so much more out of our lives then we can.

But enough about where I was, if you read this you probably talk to me, and if you talk to me you have heard more then enough about my mission. My present however is very easy to explain. I came home to a situation that I wasn't expecting and really want anything to do with. My days are filled with the vast intricacies of the nothing that takes place in them, and the changes I constantly try and fail to make take place. Like throwing a cup of a water into the ocean expecting it to flood, sometimes, I feel about as dumb as if that's what I was really doing. I wake up, I read, I go to the gym and then I lay around a listen to music. Thank you Wes Bledsoe for being in scootering proximity of my house, and the mountain dews that keep me trucking, thank you to Brooke Williams for being a silver ligning for a few hours a week, any one who has put up pictures on facebook that they have edited a friend into to embarrass them (you entertain me) and thanks you mp3 rocket for feeding my hungry music addiction. (i know its wrong and normally i buy my music butttttt i cant right now soooo... dont judge me?)

There was more I was going to write in this entry buttt I am to angry, and confused to write anything of worth that would resemble cognitive thought for any one but me, my feelings and thoughts shift as quickly as... ok I was going to say something funny and inappropriate about a certain famous person but I'll be christ like and not.

So that's all for now, I am a prisoner in Kaysville for now (dont get me wrong I actually love K-Town and where I grew up) so feel free to visit or call and if you need suggestions for some good listening music I have found tons lately. Music is the one thing in my life that never lets me down. Music is so much like life, most songs tell a story about true life experiences, they come from beginnings as frenzied as an electric storm or as calm midnight in summer, they progress to heavy over tones, simple melodies, and mind dulling beats, but just like everything experience they end, and you can always relate them to something you have experienced before.

Pray that my time hear is brief, and pray for our brave men and women working in the armed forces, police forces, and missionaries.

Ryan McDonald

Fall 2009

So i am quiet possibly the worst blogger in the history of blogger. So here is whats up. I have been working at cache valley electric since i moved home from St. George as an electricians apprentice. Its full time, i make more way good money for some one my age and I HATE IT! Seriously blows but a good job is a good job and its a means to and end (paying for the mission, school, car etc.) so it will have to do for now. I'm not a quitter, so I'll stick it out as long as I need to. (used to be a quitter but not its almost physically painful not to see things through. Possibly thanks to the gym? seriously get hooked on working out everyday, it helps in way more that just being in good shape.) thats item 2! i have officially gained twenty three pounds since i started working out a month and a half ago. When I started i weighed 120 on a good day and im now up to 143. Woo woo. I also got a lot of photography business lately thanks to a poster I made for kelsey and tanner that is found in this post! Hope you all like it. Its also fall which is my favorite season, seriously love fall. The colors, the tempeture, its jacket weather ha ha. Other then that stuff my life consists of hanging out with wes, and visiting lynsey on the week ends up in logan. Oh how i love my logan pepes. Kelcie, Jymil, Lynsey, Clayton, Jamie, I love you all, you will always be some of my all time favorite people no matter what happens. also last night i went to the gateway with wes, brandon, jennie airyn and twenty other people i dont know and played steal the flag after it closed. ha ha way funny. any ways thats all for now only because im out of time but i love any one who reads this because that probably means we still talk. ha ha later!!!

Life-Whats going on

Its been a long time since I have written anything on here. A loooong time ha ha. So here is what's going on with me and if it seems pessimistic I'm sorry I'm in a bad mood right now and the truth is things are going great. I still feel like im stuck in the same place but at least i finally know where im going. Life is so messy some times, but i wouldn't trade my experiences for the world.

So what i have been up to lately. I got a job with cache valley electric, it pays twelve bucks an hour and it full time so im a happy camper :) the only down side is i have to drive to fricken provo every day. Not fun. But its worth i am making good money.

As far as my mission progress my papers are done, but my bishop is frustrating me to no end. He was supposed to submit them this week but i missed church two weeks in a row once because i was sick like didn't leave the bathroom sick, and then because i went to ryan reese's fair well so now he says i have to attend every meeting for three consecutive weeks before he will submit them.... wow..... so frustrating. I cant even miss for fair wells which includes my best friend since 5th freakin grade, shane jensen. I will do it because going out means that much to me but I have already done so much to get hear i feel he should already know i have real intent of serving an honorable mission... oh well i want to see you all there on the day i open that sucker!!!! :)

Photography has been slow, i went through and processed some pictures from our trip to china three years ago ha ha and i have takin some family P's for my sister megan. They turned out good her chillen are freaking adorable but all my nephews and nieces are, even (hazel/feeona or how ever you spell that.) Yup that means my sister is prego with a girl and she hasn't decided a name but im excited!!!! Any ways here are the pictures :) enjoy them, worship them, leave me comments ha ha oh and im just gonna put up a composite of your pictures megan, putting them up individually would be a lot of space.

Any ways, thats whats going on with me, I have my ups and downs but alas i continue. ha ha steve. Any ways, i love you all and if i haven't heard from you in a week or more, whip out that cell phone!!!!

Wasatch Valley Panorama

day go by

Days go by, i can feel them flying like a hand out the window as the cars go by.

I took a jiu jitsu class the other day, i took it from a gym that teaches mma classes. If you have ever seen the movie never back down, thats exactly what this place is like. My boss at the pool goes there and got me to go with him and i love it. A lot of high profile ufc fighters are from the same gym and teach classes there so i'm going to learn as much as i can while im here. Did i mention im going for free? oh yeah, im going for free!!! gotta love hook ups right? any ways family and friends that all for now. LOVE YOU ALL!

just droppin a line.

HIIIIIIII. love you all, see you next friday :)